Cry Me A Kimmel
Cry Me A Kimmel
Spare a thought for the Celebrity Industrial Complex...
"You're in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world."
~ Ricky Gervais to celbtards at the Golden Globe Awards Ceremony, 2020
Joel Bowman with today’s Note From the End of the World: Buenos Aires, Argentina...
Sooo, America had an election. It didn’t go the way many people thought it would. Indeed, some of the nation’s leading hip hop stars, wailing pop divas, and Hollywood pretend people were positively shocked at the outcome, not to mention those jilted, late night (ahem...) “comedians.”
Of course, it would be easy to mock these delicate petals as they twist in the winds of change. So, let’s start there...
Witness former host of The Man Show and regular blackface jester, Jimmy Kimmel, whose timeless contributions to the human project include such high art sketches as “Household Hints From Adult Film Stars,” “Girls Jumping on Trampolines” and “Know Your Juggies.”
Now a fully-reconstructed, neo-feminized “White Dude for Harris,” Kimmel choked back quivering sobs as he lamented the imagined (by him) plight of women... the young... the old... the poor... and the infirm... not to mention, somewhat abstractly, “justice”... “science”... “the climate”... as well as those impecunious war hawks in the forsaken military industrial complex, who are left to contemplate in ghostly silence the imminent outbreak of (gulp!) peace in our time.
#Brave
We’re pretty sure “science” and “justice” remain blissfully unaware of Tuesday night’s final vote count, just as the weather seems to do what it does, regardless of whether Kimmel, Swift, Cardi B and the rest of the non-biodegradable plastic people brigade require paper straws on the private jets or not.
But the #brave, deca-millionaire entertainer was not done yet. He went on to grieve on behalf of journalism... free speech... decency... and (naturally) democracy during his teary tirade. Indeed, according to Mr. Kimmel, few were spared the merciless wrath of... the voting majority!
Golly gosh! With so many demographics piled up in the smoldering victim column, one was left to wonder who were the perpetrators of this heinous act of ballot box terrorism? What degenerate coalition of xenophobic, racist, antisemitic, alt-right misogynists rallied together to target this helpless hodgepodge of colors, cohorts and coarsely corralled concepts?
Could it really be that, for Mr. Kimmel and his sour ilk, the real specter haunting America is black white supremacists, anti-semetic Jews, female misogynists and hispanic xenophobes?
After all, it was these self-hating peoples, supposedly with no idea as to their own best interests, who conspired to undermine Mr. Kimmel’s idea of a more perfect union; one in which citizens vote to confirm his narrow biases and insular worldview, instead of having the audacity to express their own desires and concerns. (How dare they!)
Black White Supremacists
The president elect, whom Kimmel et al. readily recognize as the living reincarnation of Hitler (give or take the murder of 6 million Jews, apparently a distinction without a difference), made massive inroads amongst the Jewish community, including a 50% increase among Jewish voters in the Empire State alone. Orthodox Jews, in particular, favored the oft-called “Nazi” candidate. Are we really to believe, as apparently Mr. Kimmel does, that we’re seeing the rise and rise of the Rabbinical Reich?
Meanwhile, Mr. Kimmel’s “white supremacist” candidate also won more non-white votes than any Republican contender in over half a century, winning a quarter of the black male vote and almost half of Latino males along the way. The Xenophobe in Chief also surged across Spanish-speaking immigrant communities, especially those on the southern border, who live face-to-face with a crisis few Late Night Jimmys ever have to witness.
As for the long awaited blue wave of incensed women? “Again: a nothingburger,” wrote fellow Substacker,
, breaking down more uncooperative numbers in his reflective post-mortem. Here’s Sullivan:“Biden won women by 12 points; Harris —a woman candidate after the end of Roe — won by only 7 points. Ruy Teixeira runs through the other demos here. Gen Z? Biden won women under 30 by 32 points, and Harris by a mere 18. Meanwhile, men under 30 went from +15 for Biden to +14 for Trump — a truly staggering swing!”
At some point, when the cerebral contortionism has thoroughly pretzeled the brain, the thoughtful reader is bound to inquire: what are all these self-flagellating victims of the straight, white, wealthy patriarchy missing that Mr. Kimmel – a straight, white, wealthy, member of the patriarchy – knows so very well? Well enough, in fact, to scold them in the very same breath...
“[It] was a terrible night for everyone who voted against [Trump],” the Man Show Man concluded his unlettered tantrum. “And guess what? It was a bad night for everyone who voted for him too. You just don’t realize it yet.”
Yes, Mr. Kimmel. It’s not that you got it wrong... it’s those ignorant brown/black/Latino/female/Jewish minorities who just haven’t quite figured it out yet. If only they would get with the program and vote the way their celebrity betters patiently instruct them to, we could all get back to the most important business in the world: show business.
For a clutch of overfed influencers constantly moaning about the “threat to democracy,” celebrities sure harbor an undisguised distain for the demos (Greek for “the people”).
Holy Smokes!
Of course, alleged comedians and jilted pop glitterati were not the only ones to spot a turtle and call “kangaroo!” Most of the legacy media were equally off base in their hyperventilating prognostications. (Thank goodness the interplanetary aspirations of our stargazing species rest on Elon’s math and not that of pundits, pollsters and pedestrian presstitutes...)
Here’s gobsmacked globalist, Jake Tapper, having a Holy Smokes moment that bears rewatching...
And yet, if you knew where to look... and where not to... certain indicators were flashing red for months before they were proven right. We’ll take a look at “what the market saw” in next week’s Notes.
In the meantime, spare a thought for the celebrity industrial complex in their moment of suffering, their gilt clawfoot bathtubs brimming with tears. Boo-hoo.
Stay tuned for more Notes From the End of the World...
Cheers,
Joel Bowman
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Delightfully droll. Wittily wise. Fantastically funny. Thank you, Joel Bowman. I am laughing all the way to the good spirits Bank.
Perhaps wishful thinking but I conceive that these out of touch with reality mouthpiece along with televised journalism is seeing its own disintegration. I've seen clips of how some news journalists talk about other people and, it's disgusting and disgraceful. Put me on a show where the anchor talks down on white people, and you'll likely see me charged with assault. I happen to be proud of who I am, as a white heterosexual male, and all- who voted for Trump.