Biden's Farewell Address

A sneak peak at the president's beddy-bye speech to the world

(Source: Getty Images)

Joel Bowman, with today’s Note From the End of the World...

A dear reader writes in response to Wednesday’s Note “The Eye of the Storm”...

I have fled more hurricanes in my recent years in Florida than in all my preceding years in Minnesota ~ Dr. Jim

Thanks, Doc. We’ll add that to the anecdotal side of the equation, as instructed. 

To say that particular column created a whirlwind of reader mail would be to traffic in cheap puns which, as patient readers know, is a core part of our business model here at Notes. Even so, a lot of people did write in. Here’s another, from reader Andrei...

I don't know what the truth is vis-a-vis climate change (then again, no-one does, so I feel in both good and bad company). I have plenty of questions and very few answers. But what I do find interesting is that everyone I hear challenging the 'mainstream view' comes equipped with data, graphs and explanations, while everyone I hear advocating for said conventional wisdom (I don't think that word means what they think it means) comes equipped only with loud voices and patronizing insults. Hmm, what to read into this?

I will admit to being very worried that if the ocean keeps rising at the rapid pace of the last 30 years, the poor essentially flat Maldives will have vanished beneath the waves in...drum-roll please...around 2,000 years. Will we (or indeed the supportive coral) figure out a work-around by then? Did the Dutch ever manage? I remember so many exhortations when I was young to visit the Maldives while I still could. And indeed I did. But now I'm just hoping I live another two millennia so I can watch their spectacular disappearance.

(Thanks to all those who wrote in. We read and enjoy all your emails, even if we don’t respond to each and every one.) 

Though still in the flush of middle age, your editor is nevertheless old enough to recall a time when “the weather” was considered something of a conversational refuge, a safehouse topic for when religion or politics or Uncle Harry’s drinking seeped into the dinner table discourse. 

Alas, in today’s increasingly partisan landscape, it seems even the temperature on the front porch is off limits for the easily-triggered among us. When, we wonder, did we grow so brittle? May we not ask questions? Express unpopular opinions? Dare to profess a humble skepticism regarding the accepted wisdom du jour?

Next thing you know, poking fun at celebrities and public officials will be off limits! Mercifully, it hasn’t quite come to that yet. Which is why we’re so very glad to be able to offer you today’s Note, a special farewell address from the nation’s Commander in Chief, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. Please enjoy...

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Goodbye Cruel World

A Fare Thee Well Speech by the Leader of the Free World

Ladies and gentlemen, women and children, transpeople of the alphabet industrial complex, my fellow Americans. I stand before you this evening, almost entirely on my own, with a very special announcement, direct from the desk of the President of the United States of America. 

Pause. Repeat line. 

As many of you may or may not have noticed, I am no longer as young as I once was in my youth. 

True, I can still get around a golf course with more holes-in-one than Kim Jong-Il. And look, I’m able to draw crowds, sometimes as many as a dozen people or even less. 

I mean, you saw it today. C’mon man. How many people can draw crowds like I can draw crowds? Well? Is that a question or isn’t it? 

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah...

You may have heard my opponents talking about, saying things like, about my cognitive recline and mental vacuity and this and that. And maybe they’re right. Or maybe they are. But as I’ve said already, and I’ve said this repeatedly: ain’t gonna happen. Matter of fact, I’ve got two words for those kinds of people:

United States of America!

But let me get back to what’s going on here. My critics are trying to convince you, the American people, of right here in America, that my mental faculties are not there, not what they used to be. They say things like, “Sir, you can’t seem to remember the president of the Ukraine’s name” or “Joe, you were not the first black woman to be president” and so on and so forth.  

Baloney, all of it. Pure and simple. 

I mean, first of all, I’ve worked with the Ukrainian president, Mr. Putin, on defeating Zelenskyy’s Russia from since my very first day in office. Number one. 

As for my vice president, Donald J. Trump, I didn’t pick him. I had a bad night, ok? So that’s number one. 

And number two, there hasn’t even been a black woman president. And that’s something I’m working hard on, Jill and I are, to keep it that way. So let’s get that straight. 

Now as for my own presidency, I’ve met with leading democrats and top politicians over the past few days, people like George Clooney and Julia Roberts and a funny guy called Black Jack, to sure up the votes we need to beat Kamala Harris come November. And we will beat Kamala. We will beat her. Make my words. 

But let me just say this, and then I’ll get back to the thing. You know, the thing...

I didn’t get into this job just to be a sucker and a loser, like my components would have you believe. 

Growing up in Scranton, Delaware, I didn’t come from a family with a lot of money. We had to walk ten miles to school in the pouring rain, especially in the snow. And it was uphill both ways back in those days. Lotta people don’t know that. None of this TikTok to class or whatever the kids do these days. 

So I went off to college on a full academic scholarship, where I finished in the top hundred percent of my class. And what did I do with my law degree as a pilot in the navy? Did I go off and join some hot shot investment firm on the Wall Street? No. Did I go for the corner orifice and the fat cat company paycheck? Not even close. 

Matter of fact, I did betterenat. Betterenall that. 

I saw in government, I guess like a lot of my fellow Americans, a place where I could infect real change. A place where millions and millions of illegal immigrants might one day have the chance to vote to save democracy. A place where a man could be judged not by the content of his character, but the color of her skin. A place where we could finally beat Medicare. 

Working with my friends in the Senate and the House of Pancakes, I spent my career making sure Americans had enough on their own plates. More than enough, in fact. I made sure wages stayed low and inflation stayed high, so that mom and dad had to hold down solid, union paying jobs making factory floors. So that decent, honest, American families could make hens meet. And so we could ship good manufacturing jobs overseas where they belong. 

And that’s only the beginning. During my administration alone, we’ve added almost $4.3 billion to the national debt. Excuse me, $4.3 million. No, that can’t be right either. Well whatever it is, it’s a lot. A helluva lot. And there’s still a lot more work to be done rebuilding this country back better again to where it was before. 

And it’s not just work here at home that needs to be accomplished, but around the world and elsewhere and even in foreign countries, too. That’s why my son Hunter and I have worked closely with our friends in China and in the Ukraine to make sure America’s defense contractors have enough guns and fentanyl to finally defeat NATO. 

And all this at a time when three of my four opponents want to end wars, destroying one of America’s greatest industries and dishonoring our brave soldiers who we send to be murdered and killed, like my son Hunter, who died in Iraq. 

Look, I’ll say it again: Ain’t gonna happen. Not while I’m the Big Guy. 

Finally, we’ve made great strides in civil libraries, too. Like erecting Ketanji Onyika Brown Jackson as the first black woman to sing in The Supreme’s court. And there’s my press secretary, Marine Sean Le Pen, who is the very first openly black gay woman lesbian to be caught in that position, a clear win for diversity, equity and delusion. 

I could go on. But I’ve probably already said too much. Jill’s waving to me over there. Hi Jill!

Now, to the matter of my own presidency. A lot of people criticized my predecessor for refusing to leave office, for failing to recognize the peaceful transfer of power, one of our nation’s great traditions. 

And here’s the thing. Americans understand that my opponents represent a clear threat to democracy. Matter of fact, there’s no greater threat to democracy than elections themselves. Which is why, after consulting with members of my family, I’ve decided to stay right here, to serve as your Bystander in Chief, the Leader of the Free World.

Now, let me say it again in plain English: I’m not going anywhere.

So God bless you. God bless me. And God bless the United Kingdom of America!

Pause. Repeat line.

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And here’s your Notes from the End of the Week...

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What do you reckon, dear reader?

Top Democrats are calling for the president to step aside. Jake Tapper has abandoned ship. Comedian Bill Maher has already picked a date for Biden to step down (August 9). Even Gorgeous George Clooney is out, though not before cashing all those sweet, sweet donor checks.

So the question remains: Will Biden actually run… or won’t he? Have your say, below.

Oh, and if you enjoyed today’s Note, please feel free to forward it to friend and foe, Dems, Repubs and Independents alike.

We’re off to enjoy some good ol’ Texas barbecue with friends this afternoon. Whatever you’re up to, be good or be good at it.

Cheers,

Joel Bowman

P.S. Might unpopular ideas – free markets, civil liberties, common sense – be enjoying a resurgence… even in the woke West?

Might thoughtful individuals be ready to ditch the ‘statist quo’ in favor of a more peaceful, voluntary existence?

Might citizens be ready to shrug off the illusion of choice proffered by their would-be political leaders and their puerile porters in the mainstream press?

Such a reality might be closer than you think. Already, millions of people in hundreds of countries have tuned out of state propaganda, meant only to divide, conquer and impoverish people.

How do we know?

Well, we don’t… but we have reason to be cautiously optimistic. Even these humble Notes now reach dear readers in all 50 states across the US… and in 130 countries around the world. Not bad, given that we only just kicked off this year.

Of course, the ideas of freedom, liberty and independence are not going to spread themselves. And that’s where our dear members come in. Thanks to their support, we are able to remain fully independent… which means no advertisements, no bosses and no bias.

Just free markets, free minds and free people… all the time.

If you’d like to support our work and join the growing community of folks interested in these lately resurgent ideas, please consider becoming a Notes member today. Cheers!